UC tomorrow.

i'm kind of glad i haven't picked (thus far) a creative field of work. Sure the work i'll be doing if i continue my scientific endeavors requires creativity but the nature of the work itself is much more discovery than creation. I'll always have to make stuff though. the act of creating has become a primary mode of expressing what i struggle to verbalize. the reason i'd have such a hard time as an artsy professional is that, as of now, making music or art is a relatively safe place, away from criticism. If i did it for a job i couldn't take the judgement; the earning of my bread depends on whether or not people liked what i had made. which i guess is alot of jobs but in this case it's judgement of personal expression. i can always increase my performing and composing skills but that original idea is still there to be scrutinized. my skin just isn't thick enough. plus i'm pretty stoked to get my feet wet in doing real science this summer. i love da universe. the structure of the physical world so vast and complex and i'd rather spend my time thinking about that (or cutting grass for that matter) than to muddle around in my own fodder.

direct

The pollen + the dogs + the atmospheric pressure give me a constant headache at home.

i was browsing the internet for rants about pretentious people just to get a rise. and some blogger said something like ~stop trying to squeeze beauty out of every minute detail~ and it made me happy. I feel like there is alot pressure to appreciate life to the fullest. there just isn't enough time to appreciate most things or even comprehend them. idk i have a feeling that i make things harder than they need to be sometimes. Like life doesn't have to be super-hard. It can be difficult by default and it's good to make it challenging and invigorating. I guess it's just that personally my mind gets bogged down easily and i'd like to think life as something that passes through. something to be enjoyed and not endlessly fretted over.

i guess... :)

nothing like abstraction and generality.

five fingers

i wonder about the structure of songs much more than i used to, but strangely enough i don't think that thinking has really made my own songwriting any better. Actually it may have made it harder. I guess the more structures i discover the more choices i see i have. Picking a path that isn't arbitrary can be a problem so i tend to do alot of experimentation. It's frustrating though because i could work for weeks or longer on one part of a song only to throw away almost all of it. It's good trashed ideas don't clutter up the room. my hands and voice are rusty too. these days it's a bit easier for me to connect emotionally to my own music even if it's still considerably obscured. daaaa.

my sleep has been restless (contrasted to peaceful days with the RELady). I keep having dreams where I've neglected some academic/legal/business obligation. Like a few days ago i had a dream i was in a thermodynamics class and forgot to go to pay attention all semester and forgot to hand in the bulk of my work. I'll take it as residual finals stress. now onto re-habit running.

click click click

I'm going to try and get in the habit of not thinking about what i write too much.

i just read a sentence on wiki that says some theorist guy thinks that all criticism is self criticism.

people at home tend to constantly bring up whats wrong with the day. maybe i just hate opinions or something. i'm coming to realize what i judge most is other people's judgement. my expression of this is itself my criticism. becuase i would hate anyone to feel that feeling of judgement if they are in need of opinion expression. i wonder if it's a language issue becuase when i feel the urge to blame or find fault in non-constructive ways it's frustration or anger but the words are misguided they aren't what i'm feeling it's just some construction, like a sketch. and for some reason i dislike that. i'm very envious of people who really connect to the words they say. verbal power!!! ya! ummm maybe i'm just an academic problem solver who in times with no problems to solve looks inward to better explain what's going on. And i guess my fear is that i dislike how people work. i'm afraid that i hate being home because i feel like i can't be myself. The most powerful idea that i've come to realize this year is that things can change. our brains are capable of knowing new things, being reshaped, and that life is a wonderful and unknown. and i don't know maybe i'm just so fortunate in my life that i'm able to think this. i just don't want people to be needlessly unhappy.

black keys album tuesday YA!

so much time

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